To Pursue or Not to Pursue a Guy You Like?

2d2090a28b2464b4e3d455a18834f547“If you’re a girl who likes your guy friend, is it okay to pursue him and let him know you like him?”

The question shone on our computer from stage. The room was dark, with hot lights shining on Jeff and me. My hand grasped my bible a little closer to my chest.

Ah, yes.

Oh how I remember those days (they weren’t that long ago!) of liking a guy so much my body ached. But the hardest part was that they were clueless. Or maybe they weren’t clueless, but simply weren’t interested in me? How many times I was tempted to ask them to coffee and quietly explain how much I liked them. How many hours I spent trying to analyze him and our friendship. How many times I prayed about the situation, gave my heart and desires to the Lord, prayed for that guy, and hoped that he would see me, want me, come after me.

Yes, I remember those times vividly. What do you do when you like a guy and want it to be known…So desperately?

Thankfully Jeff started answering the question first as I gathered my thoughts and let the Lord calm my nerves.

“Let me first say this ladies: if you pursue the guy first, you’ll be doing that for the rest of your life if you do get married. The guy will play the lazy card, and gladly let you take the reigns—forever. And you’ll be miserable. You’ll have to initiate everything else from here on out. But let me add this: You shouldn’t pursue him, no. But you can get in his way. Get in his way so that he sees you and has to run you over. He has to face you and knows you’re there. What does that look like practically? Maybe it means being at his games, going to bible studies that he’s involved in, sitting next to him in class, etc.”

Wise man.

As I thought about what to add, the Lord reminded me of 1 Peter 3:4,

“but let your adornment be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

A gentle and quiet spirit. That doesn’t mean that we have to be quiet little church mice! God loves exuberant, outgoing ladies just as much as the soft spoken ones! What it does mean is that we as women trust the Lord. It means that we so trust in, believe in, hide ourselves in Him that we don’t try to take matters into our own hands and take control. As women that’s really hard because one of the things we struggle with most is taking control. But we are commanded throughout scripture not to, and we don’t need to. We have Jesus as our advocate, the Father as our shield and the One we can hide in. He is trustworthy.

What it comes down to is this,

Do we really believe that He is in control? That He is able?

Do we really believe that if it’s God’s best, He can and will move in that guy’s heart to see us, and go after us?

Proverbs 21:1 tells us that the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord- that the Lord directs it wherever He chooses. If the king’s heart is in our Father’s hands, then most certainly that guy that we are crushing on is in His hands as well.

Ladies, God is able. God is in control.

Praise Jesus, then, that we can rest in Him. We can run to JESUS. We can tell him our deep desires, lay our hearts at His feet, and trust that He will work it out for His glory and our best.

Yes, put yourself in his way! Be available, be present. But check your heart. Do you believe in HIM? The One who knows every nook and cranny of your heart and is intricately and intimately working out His plan for you, dear one?

 “Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will act.” || Psalm 37:5 ESV

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119 comments

  1. You know when God has been telling you something for a very long time? Whispering it to you in quiet time, and trying to reveal it not as subtly in events?
    But then you read something that you know is articulated confirmation of what He has been trying to teach you. *sigh*
    Well thank you for sharing this! My heart is encouraged- God is so good!

  2. I’ve just been watching some of the videos of you and Jeff on his channel, and was led here.

    Perfect timing to read this. There is a guy who I have been interested in for a year and a half now, and I have intended to broach the subject with him, but I have never found that it has been the right time. Something in me has always felt to wait. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I was thinking seriously about bringing it up then, but this is like a slap in the face from God, saying “No, keep waiting!”. Funnily enough, the last time I had planned to tell him, I was with him and another friend and we were talking about relationships, and he told us about how he thought God had given him the gift of singleness, but over that month those thoughts had been completely flipped. To cut a long story short, God seems to be moving both of us forward in Him and in our perception of relationships and marriage. Both of us have a couple of years of study to finish and careers to start, so it makes sense that it is not the right time. Regardless of whether we are meant for each other or not, I will continue to keep praying and believing that God knows what He is doing and will lead us both in whatever direction is right!

    Thank you for your posts!

  3. I couldn’t agree with Beth more
    Gods whispers are so romantic sometimes especially when answering an personal prayer

  4. Thanks so much for writing this! You have no idea how much it was needed

  5. Truly amazing, you dont understand how much i needed that

  6. Your post are always spot on what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear them. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being God’s vessel!

  7. Hi Alyssa!

    I just want you to know that you are SO inspiring. I always look forward to reading a new blog post of yours. You are amazing and genuine and passionate. Whenever I read your posts, whatever it is about, I always have more hope in Him and His power. You are such an encouragement! So thank you for that.

  8. Yes!!! Well said, I agree with everything that you are saying. We must wait and trust in the Lord.

  9. Alyssa,

    Have you been reading my mind the past couple of weeks? Phew. You nailed it, girl!

    I have to admit, I got a little nervous reading it because right when I opened the page, that verse from Peter was there and it makes me cringe a little. You see, I’m one of those outgoing, loud-voiced girls that can’t really help it (I’m Italian, enough said). Often times, I’ve been quoted that verse…completely out of context. I thought I had to be a cute, dainty, quiet woman – and believe me, I am none of those things. THANK YOU for shedding light on that and reminding me (and all of us) that God loves and created(!) both kinds of women.

    That being said – girl….you nailed it. There is nothing else I can say. Thank you to you and Jeff for that reminder. Thank you.

  10. I absolutely love this, and thank you so much for posting this! I am so blessed by the two of you. The waiting game of the dating realm is a difficult one, but I want to thank you for the encouragement this post gave me to keep waiting. I have confidence that God is going to bless me with the perfect man, and I can’t wait to meet him because I know he will be exactly what God has perfectly planned for me. Waiting on the Lord isn’t easy but day by day I am discovering how great He is and how He is continually shaping my heart so someday I can love the man He will bless me with. Thanks for your posts! Much love.

  11. Alyssa, you are always so encouraging! This is something I’ve been pondering lately, not even kidding. Wanting to pursue a guy/relationship is something I’ve been wanting to do, but not wanting to mess up God’s plans. It’s funny because a Bible study I’m doing focused on hope last week and it was a “wake up and trust Him with your hopes because He’s King” thing. Thanks so much for sharing this!

  12. Thank you for this encouragement. God has really been teaching me that he has my best interest at heart, so this is a sweet reminder to trust him in this too. Thanks for that 🙂

  13. I always find your post so comforting! You’re so wise and in love with Christ! You and Jeff are both inspiring. Thanks for sharing!

  14. Amen! I know in God’s timing I will meet someone and I wont have to do all the work. This is awesome! Thank you for sharing.

  15. Thank you for posting this!! It was exactly what I needed to read!! I can’t wait for your next post! God Bless you!

  16. I needed this. Thank you for letting God lead your heart and words. You’re an inspiration. 🙂

  17. Yes! Love it, Alyssa!
    It’s amazing to see the work God’s doing when we take the focus off ourselves and our selfish desires and put the focus on Him. Thanks for pursuing Jesus with such passion!

  18. I’m 21 and struggle with this. You have brought my heart back to where it needs to be, with God. Thank you Alyssa. He is ABLE and in CONTROL. Your posts are such a blessing.

  19. I’m married and I didn’t take this blog post for it’s original topic, I took it as a general application. I’m currently trying to land a job and have had the WORST time being patient. How perfect Psalm 37:5 was to hear today. While I may not have questions about pursuing a guy, I remember what it was like to get in my now husband’s way. I remember analyzing, as you mentioned. I remember wondering, praying, and becoming apart of his life little by little, subtly supporting him in his activities. However, applying this to not just a guy, but this job I’m trying to get, reading this was great. It’s as if the job were the guy. You don’t want to make yourself seem too pushy, but you want them to notice you. Thank you for the post, it was a great reminder! 🙂

  20. Thank you so much! I needed this! Praise God!

  21. What about the story of Ruth? She slept at the end of his BED!!!!! Is that not a huge hint or what?! I think most guys are just afraid of rejection as girls… they need hints, not full on pursuing… but hints for sure. It is biblical! 🙂

  22. One thing I have learned in my life is that if a guy is interested in you, he will find a way to pursue you, no matter how shy he is. I agree with Jeff-I wanted a man who took charge and made an effort to pursue me.

  23. I agree with Heather but I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years I’m a Christian and he isn’t, I’m not sure what to do about it. Advice?

  24. Thank you for this. I have been struggling with this question for months now. Some of my friends have told me that I just need to tell him how I feel, and hope he feels the same. But, I have been getting in his way. A lot. I went to most of the University football games, waited for him after the games with other friends, made signs… I make him baked goods, and I am always smiling towards him. I’m getting in his way a lot, and putting it in Jesus’ hands.

    Thank you.

  25. This is the EXACT thing that I have been working through. I am confident and trust that God is there and has his hand on everything, but like you said, it can be hard to be patient when I just want to know! Thank you for this timely and encouraging post 🙂

  26. This is the first time i have read off your blog. I was scrolling through Facebook, and i saw the link to this. It really was what i needed to hear today. I will definitely keep everything that you and Jeff said in mind. After all, God is the one who holds our hearts! Why not trust him in even the little things like crushing on a guy? 🙂 Thanks!

  27. Thanks for writing this. I went to look up your verse and I think it’s 1 Peter 3:4, not 2nd. In case anyone else was confused when they looked up 2nd Peter like I did. Again, I do appreciate this! Thank you.

  28. This exact question has been in my head and on my heart for the past 2 weeks. You’ve hit it spot on. Thank you for reminding me to not only be patient, but to also get in the way sometimes. 🙂

  29. “Be available” was the same advice my small groups leader gave me. It was probably the best advice ever. This was a really awesome post! Also I know that some girls are afraid that maybe a guy is too shy. Trust me that when a guy likes a girl or knows that girl is for him, he will muster up the courage to ask her out. God bless!

    1. Hah, I don’t know about the shy guy part! I’m pretty shy myself, and there have been plenty of girls (and now women) that I liked a lot but never got the courage up to ask her out. 😀

  30. Giiiirrrrllll, that’s what’s up! Amen, my fellow princess! There seems to be a lot of misguided information out there on how to go about relationships, but I am blessed to stumble across–thanks to our King–another one of his princesses who’s on the right track and sharing it! Too many of our sisters are being confused by the enemy of our faith and haven’t a clue how to go about relationships. I used to be one of them, but praise the Lord He has now redeemed the evil plans Satan conspired against me, and is using the discernment and healing He gave me to teach other women to number one, know their worth, and number two, understand how to go about relationships in a Kingdom way. Thanks so much sister for taking the time to share this. God bless!

    Much love, and Know Your Worth,

    Natasha

  31. Our Father is faithful! And knows what we need and when we need it. This post is a great example in my personal life. Thank you.

  32. I dated a lot of girls before I got married, and I would never have married the girls that pursued me. I had this deep desire in my heart to pursue and chase the woman who I would marry.

    I left my country and traveled 10,000 miles to marry a woman who ignored my overtures 6 years prior. She is God’s best for me.

    I spent all of my savings to travel to see her (3 trips), buy a ring, and move to her nation. Best investment of my life.

  33. Beautiful!!!! Loved it!

  34. Thank you! That’s all I can say!!

  35. i think ‘being in his way ‘ means that you pursue him in your heart ! coz you are trying to find ways that he will notice you , if we trust god to make the guy’s heart moves , we should trust him to make him come in our way as well , right ??

  36. Wow! This is awesome! I “stumbled”(or better put, God led me here) and this was just what I needed. I’ve been praying about what I should/shouldn’t do about this guy I like and this answered it! God bless!

  37. Thank you for this post! Sometimes it’s so hard to forget that the men are supposed to pursue us. God designed them that way! But what a wonderful and peaceful reminder that he is in complete control, and will stir the heart of the young man that he wants for us.

  38. Hey thanks so much I really needed to read that!

  39. This is amazing. I was just wondering about this question a couple hours ago and I’m so happy that you posted this!! Thank you Alyssa!

  40. So beautiful. This is exactly the reminder that I needed!

  41. straight to the point.. i am in this exact situation right now.. praying and praying and praying.. well, i guess i should surrender and trust Him more.. thanks for reminding me.. been having this conviction for weeks now..

  42. This post was such a bless to my life now! I needed to be reminded about it all! God bless you and use you to bless others!

  43. Wow! This reminder is always needed, Thank you.

  44. Wow, such a timely message for me. I am a college student and I have a crush on this guy and was wondering what to do with these feelings. Your post was such an encouragement and reminder to leave it all to God, who knows what is best for me. Thank you.

  45. Alyssa, thank you so much for this! As most other ladies, I’m able to relate to this 100%. However, I feel like i’m in an odd season right now, where there is not one guy that interests me! Not in church, school, Spain (where i’m currently studying abroad), no where. It’s been a little weird for me because I usually have my eye on someone, you know? I know that this particular season of singleness is more like a gift from God where I can spend more time with Him and focus on Him, since there’s no one catching my eye. Do I make sense? It sounds a bit weird and it feels even weirder (to not have a “crush”…I don’t like that word, it sounds funny to me). I’m 23 years old, and at times I get discouraged cause it seems like nothing will ever happen…ahh that sounds sad, but i’m not sad! I’m just excited and eager to meet my man, you know?? Anyhow, sorry for my rambling. I just really wanted to share that with you since you share so much with us 🙂

  46. Wow….this was amazing! How easily I forget that God’s got my back! Thank you for reminding me of how I need to put my trust back in Him and quit relying on myself to change situations. I love reading your blog…so inspirational. 🙂

  47. Nicely said!! We don’t run after guys they run after us………We as children of God are corner stones polished after the similitude of a palace. (Psalm 144:12)

  48. Wow, your blog is truly amazing.
    But this post touched me most.
    God is truly amazing. I don’t know what to say.
    Thank you soo much!
    God bless !
    -April

  49. Thanks Alyssa, loved it! Blessings from Norway 🙂

  50. Alyssa! I love how God blessed you with this gift. You know exactly how to explain everything and how to adress it to us. I always follow you and Jeff. You are an example as a couple, for a lot of us. I just broke up with a guy, and today I found out he’s going out with a ‘friend’ of mine. Hard to deal with. And I’m very hurt. But i know God is in control. Your posts help me a lot! Thank you for being a virtual ‘friend’ for al of us and for helping us. May God bless your marriage a lot! Kisses from Brasil!

  51. Nuggets!! (in my Jeff voice) LOL Thank you so much for your blogs. I look forward to them. —>
    Do we really believe that He is in control? That He is able?

    Do we really believe that if it’s God’s best, He can and will move in that guy’s heart to see us, and go after us?

    Proverbs 21:1 tells us that the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord- that the Lord directs it wherever He chooses. If the king’s heart is in our Father’s hands, then most certainly that guy that we are crushing on is in His hands as well.

    Ladies, God is able. God is in control.

    That part stood out to me the most.. not just in relationships but in life. Are we really trusting in the Lord? Knowing that he is able? That he is in control? I ask myself these questions & then begin to talk to myself like hello Lauren.. He is more then able, enough & in control. Thank you Alyssa for your insight, his truth & constant reminders. To God be the glory.

  52. Sometimes the reason the guy is not showing interest is because he is not the right guy for you and God is saving you from that!

  53. I’m sorry to say this but, its 1 peter 3:4 not 2nd. . . Love the post though!!!!

  54. God so bless you!

  55. Hey, This was very encouraging!! I loved the perspective you put into it. I just wanna side-note that it kinda bothered me when I couldn’t find the Scripture to read for myself! 1 Peter 3:4, not 2 Peter! Thanks for your love for the Lord and for your fellow women. Great advice!

  56. Thank you so much for using your gift of writing! Exactly what I needed to read..God is absolutely in control especially as he directed me straight to this read…

    “Oh how I remember those days (they weren’t that long ago!) of liking a guy so much my body ached. But the hardest part was that they were clueless. Or maybe they weren’t clueless, but simply weren’t interested in me? How many times I was tempted to ask them to coffee and quietly explain how much I liked them. How many hours I spent trying to analyze him and our friendship. How many times I prayed about the situation, gave my heart and desires to the Lord, prayed for that guy, and hoped that he would see me, want me, come after me.”

    I can relate to this 100% as I read, I thought to myself..is she watching my life? can she see me? can she hear my thoughts? lol because this is exactly the season I’m in. But being at the feet of Jesus changes everything. He really does become our joy, our source, comfort, everything we need him to be. Praise God. Thanks again for sharing this blog! God bless you and Jeff.

    -Margarita from Chicago.

  57. Okay well, i like the post. Don’t get me wrong. But honestly, guys are not just lazy in a relationship because we as girls have to pursue them a little at first. That’s crap to say. Honestly, the guy might be interested, but without too many guts. And there is nothing wrong about us girls asking THEM out.

    That is just crap to say. I am with the perfect guy right now, and definitely married by heart. I was the one who asked him out, and if i didn’t, nothing would ever have happened. And never have i ever been in doubt about the fact that God would choose him for me, as our story is quit special.

    So yes, it is a great post. But you do make it sound like we are not allowed to chase our man at all. Again, read Ruth. She slept at the mans feet in order to get noticed. Just saying. Yes i decided to put my faith in the Lord, and he gave me my man. But i had to ask him in order for something to happen. That does not mean he is lazy now, because he ain’t. He brings me flowers and a whole lot of heart that desires just me. And for that, i am thankful.

    But thank you for an amazing blog and for sharing your kind heart with all of us.

  58. You’re blog and especially this post have been so encouraging to me. I am a college student and I’m working through all of these same feelings. It is so encouraging to know that the season I am in right now is what is best for me. As much as I want to control my life, I know that all of the plans I’ve had in the past paled in comparison to the Lord’s. He absolutely knows what is best for me.

    Thank you for sharing and always pointing to Christ.

  59. Thank you so much for your blog posts, Alyssa! They all speak to my heart, and are EXACTLY what I need to hear. You are a true model for all young ladies out there. Keep it up 🙂

  60. Lord knows how much I needed this! Thank you Jesus! Great blog Alyssa, your writings are amazing and often times I need advice on these topics. Your blog has really helped me in my relationship with God and brought me closer to Him, to trust Him more. Thank you SO much! God bless you!

  61. Wow, we serve such a mighty God! First off, high five for this post! Much needed. Second, I just wrote about not being in control and not needing to be control because we have Christ on my blog earlier this week. Ha! I love His ways. God bless you, sis!

  62. Thank you so much for this reminder of the sovereignty of God! Reading this made me rethink the way I’ve been praying for my future husband lately. I should not be praying that I do anything to gain his attention, but that God move in his heart, if that is His will, or move in mine if it is not.

  63. I love your post, but I have one question. What if the man your praying about is not at the church you’re attending to? How will you let him know that you like him?

  64. Well said. Something that I have debated about with friends and this just confirmed what I have always thought! Thank you and may God Bless you! 🙂

  65. Praise God for this post! Thank you for this timely word 🙂

  66. Alyssa, you are such a women of God! I am so blessed to have seen this in this very moment. When I think I am driving myself crazy and praying some tough prayers while struggling to let God be the one to handle things! I am so happy to know that Christ uses our sisters and brothers wherever we are!

  67. Alyssa,
    THANK YOU. Thank you, thank you, thank you first, for listening to God as He told you to write this and second, for actually writing this. It’s been difficult watching this guy I like for 2 years go through an almost relationship and then back out of it because of the girl’s (he was interested in) heart. It’s been difficult waiting on God to see who He’ll send me and when. It’s been difficult waiting and waiting and waiting to see what will happen next. But I know, I know, I know that God is in control and He is sovereign. He has the best plan for me and thanks to you, I’ve been reminded of that yet again! So thank you! Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who had/ has wished that someone would like me…and I’ve wanted it so bad my body ached. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one in this!
    -Hannah

  68. I needed to hear this exact thing. THANK YOU!! 🙂

  69. Well written Alyssa, may I speak from the men’s side?

    It’s easy to get tunnel vision when there is one person you really like. Being a guy who pursues, I’d like to suggest that a girl may miss out on someone great when she has this approach.

    Keep your eyes open and your heart guarded. There are actually some good guys trying still! And if it’s not your dream guy who asks you out, go for coffee anyway! Worst case, it’s an awkward conversation. Best case, husband. Haha!

    So yes, wise words from Alyssa, but girls please don’t get tunnel vision! God might have someone other than him pursuing you!

  70. thank you Alyssa 🙂 soo encouraging. thank you Jesus.

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