This past Monday I feel like everything that could go wrong, went wrong—silly things that kept adding up until I went crazy. Tears were definitely shed; all I could do was cry out to the Lord and laugh. Nothing horrible happened, just little things that piled up. You know what I’m talking about right?
Chipped mug.
A literal knot in my hair (where I had to rip out a chunk to remove it! ah!).
Bleached spots on my new shower curtain.
Moldy pumpkins.
Moldy pumpkin juice on my sleeve.
Stains on my floor that I couldn’t scrub out.
Scratch mark on the floor.
Flour spewing everywhere (that one was slightly humorous)!
Burned cookies.
Dinner served late.
And you know that water spill I had on the carpet last week? Welp, the carpet was still wet. Fear of moldy carpet sinked in. (no pun intended!)
Then, waking up on Tuesday, our toilet stopped working and I flooded a public restroom! My luggage didn’t fit in the airplane, coffee spilled in our bed, and I had smelly feet (I can’t believe I’m really admitting that one…and no, they weren’t Jeff’s!).
I told Jeff, “Babe, your wife has officially gone crazy. We thought it wouldn’t happen until menopause, but alas, it came early at 25.”
The Lord is teaching me so much lately and really showing me sin in my heart. Since being married, I realized that I desire to be perfect, to have it all together; and that I often look for my identity in my performance. Before, I looked to my job, or often the ministry I was involved in to find my identity, unknowingly. But now being married, I am seeing that transfer to finding my identity in how well I cook, or take care of my husband, or how put together my house is. I want to do it all, and do it perfectly.
I’m so thankful that God is exposing my sin, and the lie I buy into that I am what I do.
FALSE.
I’m not what I do.
Or fail to do.
But rather, I am Christ’s and can rest—in fact am called to rest—in what He already has done. He invites me in. He covers me in the shadow of His wings. He already went to the cross, paid for my sins, and rose again. He defeated my sin. He paid for it with His precious blood. And now I am FREE.
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
Instead of putting my hope in what I do, I am called to put my hope in what He already has done. I am Christ’s. His daughter. His wife. His beloved.
Perfect? Not one bit. But growing—and growing is messy. It hurts, we fail, but He is actively at work in us, making us more like His Son.
Praise Jesus.
Jesus freed me. So I don’t have to get stressed, freak out, or fret when things go wrong—whether big, or little like Monday’s events. (Although, I totally did, but I know God is using it to grow me and teach me to turn to Him instead of fretting.)
I’m learning to cling to the truth in Isaiah 33:6:
“And He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is Zion’s treasure.”
God is my rock.
He will be the stability of my craziness.
He has saved me, is sovereign over my days, and He is my true treasure.
What about you? Have you ever felt like this? In what areas of life?
Awesome post, Alyssa. Thank you for your transparency and openness to share! Have you done the Pursuit of Proverbs 31 study? The author of that book talks about her struggle with wanting to be the best wife, mother, etc. through the things she was “doing” rather than by relying on Christ for strength and wisdom. I highly recommend it and am praying for you through this time!
Thanks so much for your prayers Chelsea! I haven’t read that one yet, but I’ll have to check it out!
If it makes you feel better–I am a wife of 12 years and the other day I had to throw out cookies because I’d told my husband to bring me baking soda for them. I suppose this tale is more a “husband fail” but I still consider it a wife fail because I SHOULD have made sure of what he brought me. I dumped the white powder in the cookies and baked about 6 dozen. Later I sat down with a glass of milk and a yummy looking chocolate cookie only to run to the sink to rinse my mouth and scream “What did you put in the cookies!!!” Instead of arm and hammer BAKING SODA my poor husband put laundry detergent in my cookies LOL
LOLOL!!! That’s an awesome story. Thanks for sharing!
Ah, my life, summed up perfectly….except add 3 little coconuts to the story. Discouragement would come when I failed (in my mind) to meet the requirements of a perfect wife and mother. Freedom came when I realized, like you, that I am not called to be perfect…just called to grow and walk this walk. So when coconut number 3, who is 2 years old, poops in the bathtub (yes she did) I can find the humor in it. And know that it’s ok….And know that my identity is in Him….not in my performance! AMEN to that!!
Amen Katherine!
WOW!!! This post has made me realized so many things about myself. I’m married myself, and i remember wanting to be perfect. Great Word!! Truly enjoyed this!
Lady, God is using your new season of life to inspire thousands! At least you inspired one girl back here in Holland! Thank you for being so honest and thank you for turning my eyes upon the Lord after a messy day! Blessed be!
Wow you have read my mind… being a wife and mom I have identified myself in how well things look and how i do things. I definitely was touched by this post! You are fantastic and I am thankful I clicked on Jeff’s link to your lovely blog. Thank you:)
My husband & I recently were married (June of this year). I felt the same way & at times, still do! It was so helpful & comforting to hear I am not the only one. People didn’t tell me about the identity change that new wives experience. This was so comforting to read, from another “sister” in Christ. So many things really stuck out to me on this post. I enjoy reading your posts, because I can relate SO well, almost to a tee. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thanks Ashley. So true. There are so many changes- great ones, but still changes when we get married. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, yes, YES! Thank you for this! It seems like the days when the crazy piles on most is when there is a domino effect of little things crashing down or not going the way I plan. But therein lies the problem and the explanation – my plans. Hah.
Congrats on being a newlywed! We (my husband and I) just reached the three month mark!
I love this! As a full time newlywed and control freak, I can totally relate, and coincidently had a similar catastrophe yesterday!
Thankfully, I was quickly able to laugh it off, but the promises you mentioned above were just the cherry on top. He does everything with a purpose.
Hope you enjoy every single second of your married life! I have been married for over 2 years, still consider myself a newlywed, and enjoy every part of it!
God bless your unity <3
Thank you so much for this! I have felt so overwhelmed, so disorganized and just a failure lately. I’m married, have three small children, in nursing school and help run a family business. I cried to my husband last night about how I feel like I can’t get anything right anymore. The house is dirty, the kids are going bananas and I doubted my ability in becoming a good nurse and worried if school is really where I should be. I’m so blessed to have a husband who is firm in his faith and reminds me that these things aren’t what defines me and that God is always going to lead me in the right direction, I just have to stop trying to drive and trust in him. Your post really hit home, thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing Elizabeth. Wow! You have so much going on right now! But, how comforting that God is your strength and your Shepherd- He will carry you through 🙂 And how sweet that your husband is so encouraging and points you to Him.
Absolutely feel this way a lot. I’ve even taken it as far as my outer identity. Not feeling worthy or good enough. I love how
God wraps His arms around us and tells us we are silly.
God Bless you Alyssa!!
Definitely had one of those days today!
I’m in college and sometimes it feels like God has me surfing on a Heaven-cloud… and then all of a sudden, a bad test comes, the stress of an undecided major erupts, the ache of missing friends, ect…
You have helped remind me that GOD is my rock and with Him as my foundation, even when my body shakes, I will never fall.
With Him I can do all things.
Praying for a less windy day tomorrow for you!!
-Rachael
I have most definitely felt like this, especially with being a student, daughter, sister, and friend…almost every aspect of life! I believe the pressure we put on ourselves on how well we “should” be performing may stem out of love (eg you love Jeff with your whole entire heart and you want to make sure you are the best wife you can be for him). However, we forget that its not about being perfect. Merely being present, obedient, and well-intentioned (just to name a few) IS enough. Your blog was extremely encouraging and humbling. Thank you 🙂
Amen. I am so inspired to see a young lady like yourself be so faithful and introspective. As a 51 year old (today) man, I am working on what you are achieving. I have teenage daughters that I pray follow Christ and learn what you have.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for this post. I share the same feeling with your statement, “I am seeing that transfer to finding my identity in how well I cook, or take care of my husband, or how put together my house is. I want to do it all, and do it perfectly.” I’m a perfectionist and it’s hard to let go sometimes and remember we are broken and only in God we are perfect. Thanks for the great reminder of laying it all before our Lord Jesus Christ. Also, you are definitely not the only one. ;D
Thank you. I needed this.
This was just the post I needed to read today. I to define myself on my performance – and on a day when on air (I am a Radio DJ) – I couldn’t seem to get the words out correctly, press the right buttons or get ANYTHING to function properly…I broke down in tears questioning what was wrong with me today. Thankfully – I came across this blog that was a quick slap in the face to realize – I just needed to breathe – I am not perfect, and thank GOD for that.
Great blog – just what I needed. Back to work – and hopefully I will finish the show better than I started. 🙂
Alyssa,
If only you knew how much this just blessed me. I just got married 10/04 and find myself walking in the same shoes. I’m constantly having the same thoughts, and looked for that “perfect” nature in things I shouldn’t.
I have a job that’s extremely demanding. My nature to try to be perfect has caused way to much stress, which resulted in an argument and outburst against my gentle, loving, God fearing husband. He didn’t deserve that at all! Afterwards I felt so appalled at what I said and how I acted I just cried. I cried and prayed to God to help me understand why I was feeling this way. Then guess who posted a post about Manic Mondays…
Praise GOD we are his daughters, made perfect in his love. Keep it up, you and your husband are a real encouragement to me and mine.
Ps.. You and Jeff should come to Charlotte! 🙂
I was right with you! Add to that a toddler with the flu! I admit that I too cried. You are absolutely right. I catch myself trying to be perfect. It is so exhausting and unattainable. Thank you for reminding me of God’s truths!
Today! I’ve been trying to be “superman” as I call it these past several weeks. I’m a working nurse going back to school full time, in a relationship, in the middle of a move and decided to adopt a brand new pup amidst all of this (how unwise!). I started to fall behind, things started to go wrong all the while I’m still thinking I could get everything done and be everything to everyone.
It all came out today and sadly, I realized it didn’t have to come to this for all of the reasons you’ve explained in this post. Just like your cookies burning, you will learn from your mistake and learn to make them better next time. just as God is doing with us.You’ve really brought this to my attention and I thank you. Wonderful post!
P.s. Sometimes a recipe gone wrong turns into a new, even better recipe…this has happened to me so many times and think to myself, this is where people get their genius “secrets” to their personal famous recipes…it was an accident the whole time! 🙂
Hi! Every day of my life I feel like that! I am a single mom of a very active 3 year old boy, active duty Air Force, and a full time student working on my MBA and there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. My days start when I wake up (obviously) between 0530 and 0600, then I get ready and hope my son doesn’t wake up so that I can finish my routine before I wake him up to start his. Fix him breakfast and then realize that it’s late and we need to go, so we rush through brushing our teeth, get our coats on, and run out the door. Drop him off at his daycare, rush to work, and start my day with a cup of not so great coffee and rarely leave for lunch. I have to leave work on time so I don’t have to pay extra at daycare, go home, change, and then start some sort of dinner. We play, read books, watch a movie, bathe, and then off to bed for little man around 815 pm; he calls me in at least 3 times a night until he’s sure I’m not going anywhere and basically at his beck and call! THEN I start my homework, facebook a little with my sister, more homework, and try to be in bed by midnight but some nights it’s 0130. I also bake depending on what we have going on the next day. My house is messy 75% of the time (the other 15% is right after I clean and then usually Monday). Dishes are on the counter, the garbage doesn’t get taken out until there’s too much, and I’m just tired! But at the end of our day, we pray and thank the Lord (speaking of, my son sings his favorite song “Our God” by Chris Tomlin on the way to and from work/daycare–3 years old, that’s pretty good!) for our day. When I finally lay my head down to sleep I, again, thank the Lord for my day and everything He has brought into my life…good, bad, crazy, hectic, great, loving, wonderful, never looking back or regretting life! 🙂 Thanks for your post!! It is nice to know I’m not the only one too!
You’re honestly and transparency has challenged me! Thank you!!
Great read! Yes I’ve been where you’ve been! From maniac Mondays, Terrified Tuesdays, to weeping Wednesdays! Lol! After trying to do it all Super Mommy and Super Wife I got extremely over and under-whelmed! Until God said you don’t have to do it all! You’re not a failure if you don’t get everything done! Lean on me, he said and I learned how to delegate and ask God how I should do things and he began to show me! When I began to rest in him things started to change! I still get a little nuts but I change my focus and lean on HIM!
I’ve never needed this more than I did today! Thank you for reminding me that God is always at work in us, even through life’s tough messes.
My exact situation as we speak! I’m also newly married and I’ve been feeling like I need to be the perfect wife, making sure EVERYTHING is clean, putting food on the table at certain times and the list goes on! I def needed to hear this!! Keep them coming! <3
Great post. I too learned this early on in my marriage. Now that I’m almost 18 months in, I can say that it does get easier. I clearly remember a very similar scene – burned the gravy for dinner, then made cookies to try to prove my wifely skills… and then they burned as well. Jesus was certainly teaching me something that night through all my tears!
I’ll be praying for you two as you learn this, and the many more lessons Jesus will teach you through the early days of marriage.
Blessings!
This is a great post! I needed to see it today…I’ve been guilty of when things start to really look bad, instead of running to God, I start trying to fix it myself and curl up in a ball in bed at night. Get depressed over things I can’t help or understand. Over the past 3 months God has made Himself known to me tremendously, however today I woke up and don’t have that fire for God I always have. I find myself today looking at all my circumstances and wanting to give up…so I know what its like to feel like you did. It’s easy to praise Jesus when things are going well, but not so easy when they’re not. I find myself even asked God, “What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something wrong?” I feel like I’ve been on top of the world then today fell off…but your post is a good way of looking at it. Thanks for sharing!
This is so true and so inspirational. “Im not what I do” I have to remind myself of that everyday, besides we’re more than conquerers in Christ
Awww, humility is Gods gift. I found out at 25 that I wasn’t perfect either. Haha, the journey is long, but sweet. Enjoy.
Hi Alyssa– Thank you so much for this post and the verse in Isaiah. I seriously needed to hear this. I feel I have been doing the same thing, but with the relationship I have with my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to make him feel okay and make sure everything is okay with him, rather than focusing on what God wants. I need to step back and let God meet my bf where he is at. I can only do so much and I don’t want to get in the way of God’s work. I’m going to commit Isaiah 33:6 to memory and work on the sin God is revealing in my life too. Thank you again!
Amanda
This is great, many of us have these days and to be honest i’ve never thought of it the way you have. Truely inspirational. 🙂
Alyssa,
I have totally felt all of the craziness of life in one day as well! (or we feel that it is all the craziness of life in one day) Sometimes during those over whelming times I laugh so I will not start crying! However, I usually do end up shedding a few tears.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and bible verses of truth to go along with being overwhelmed and feeling that we are not enough because we are not doing ‘good enough’ in the areas that we think we should be.
I am not a wife, as I am still only 18! However, Lately I have been VERY overwhelmed in the fact that I am what I do. I know that this is false. This blog has helped me to realize that I am not what I do or don’t do. I am simply Christ’s and I need to rest in that more.
Man, I am so thankful that God uses others and allows us to see our sin and just our areas of the ‘unknown’ and bring them to light for us and make it so clear! He is so faithful!! I hope this reply finds you well and not shedding many tears this Wednesday afternoon. I pray that you would never grow weary in doing good and always remember that it is HIS goodness and not your own. You are beautiful inside and out!
In Christ,
Ashley
Great blog!! This inspired my wife. Love to read how the Lord is working within our lives!! God bless you, your husband & marriage
Hi Alyssa, You are too cute! I did and still am going through the same struggles. Placing extremely ridicules standards on myself and then when I fall short I think that I’m a failure at life. hahaha! Then I talk to my husband about it and he’s like, “why, I never expected you to be perfect, so stop trying to be”. I love him for that, but of course I still fall into the same sin. Thank you for your encouragement. It really is a blessing that at least we do try to bless our husbands, but we just have to make sure that we are doing it for the Lord first. Miss your face and laughs and smiles! 😀
Thanks so much for sharing! I often struggle with days like these and appreciate your honesty. When people who are kind of under a microscope of the publics eye which I’m sure your becoming share their heart and their honest dependence on Christ,it breathes life into so many struggling people. I feel very encouraged by this and am sure this will bless others! These particular Scriptures really spoke to my heart today❤ God bless you Alyssa:)
i am not married hahaha and i dont think i will be anytime soon but i totally understand this and its very amazing that you share this. you inspire me and many more girls out there. not only older girls but also young ladies as well. thank you.
Thanks for being so open and honest Alyssa! Praying for you and miss you!
ps. I still burn cookies
i LOVE you anna! We sure miss you guys! I can’t wait to see you- hopefully soon!
PS Every day on our honeymoon Jeff said “I can’t wait to use our keurig when we get home!” Haha THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Have I felt like this OH YES YES YES!!!! I have 2 girls a 6 year old and a 1 year old, having 1 child is a lot of work but not as hectic as having two. I juggle many many many things as a 28 year old wife and mother of 2, who let me add works full time both in the corporate world and as a homemaker. Everyday brings different challenges same routine but different challenges; and I feel you on “letting how you perform define you” I think as a woman that is our first nature, but we FAIL to look at the fact that GOD has blessed us with a SPOUSE who is there to HELP but we need to sometimes say HELP!!!! I’m learning this in my Marriage, I was recently told by my Pastor’s in a discussion that I feel like I have to control everything; being the ROOT from my childhood. I was never able to be a CHILD; my mom was a single mom and I was the oldest of 3 so a lot of pressure fell on me and I have carried that through my life and GOD revealed it in my MARRIAGE. But he is that PRECIOUS to us that he will show us what we are doing wrong. AMEN that he exposed this to you because sometimes it can be a hinderance on your marriage. CONGRATS BY THE WAY you two seem so CUTE.
Really good post. It happens to a lot of newlywed women. You are not alone, ever. Jesus and all of us who have been there are with you.
Alyssa,
Trust me, this is how I felt this week too! Frustration at myself, at old friends, at my attitude…God can redeem even our awful days with his reminder! I don’t realize that I’m trying to be perfect sometimes, but I definitely struggle with that a lot. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, my husband doesn’t expect me to be perfect, and neither should I. Thanks for this reminder that we can rest in Jesus!
Great Post!!! Thanks for your transparency :). Nothing can be done on our own strength but with God’s grace, we can move mountains!!! 🙂 Thanks again for sharing your heart <3!
I am not what I do, I am because of what He has done!
Sounds like a crazy day! I really appreciated your insight, too! We are not who we are because of what we do, but because of what He has done. Hmm, that makes me really happy! Praise Jesus for that! I’m feeling the same way today! 🙂
Alyssa~ this is the begining of an amazing marriage centered around Christ and that in itself is a Blessing. Keep on looking up and He will give you the true desires of your heart.
Real fantastic information can be found on website.
Very encouraging Alyssa! The Lord is using this in a big way. I often felt like that at the beginning of my marriage a year ago. My near-saint of a husband has had to tell me more than once that he didn’t marry me for my cooking and cleaning. He has always encouraged me to just be myself (and if you knew anything about me you would know i am NO Martha Stewart lol). He also encouraged me to do all things for the glory of God and not for him or myself. It is a comforting thing. Be blessed.
Your such an inspiration! 🙂
Your words speak to me on SO many levels! I’m a rookie wife too (married in Sept) and I have the same tendencies to find my worth in what I can do to provide for my husband, home, family, etc. I think us women put so much pressure on ourselves and each other. Instead of keeping our sight on the Lord we’re too busy comparing and looking at areas where we lack. I am so thankful that Jesus has already paid the price and there is nothing I can do that will make Him love me less! Life is so much easier with that point of view. Thank you for being obedient to the Lord and posting! 🙂
First of all thank you for posting and sharing your personal life and being so honest with us as the Holy Spirit reveals things to you.
Your post really made me reflect on myself, and check my heart. I am single, go to school full-time, work full-time, and a leader in the children’s ministry at my church and I’m currently the made of honor for two weddings…ahhh! I guess I too am guilty of trying to have everything “perfect” I never say “NO” to anyone because I want people to know I can juggle all things at once (not true)!
This post help me realize that I too have been looking at the things “I do” or “have done” to identify me, I haven’t been able to just rest in Jesus I use excuse like.. ” I’m doing it for his Glory” when in reality I haven’t even spent time with the maker himself.
Thank you so much for being honest about the ups and downs of God growing you! I recently got engaged and am so appreciating the look into your real and just starting out married life. Love this post specifically because I already struggle with this too. Our Daddy is amazing though and has a wonderful habit of showing me that my real value comes through what He thinks of me, and that isnt dependent on the silly details. Praying for you from CO!