I’ve been living comfortably. Not that I haven’t had tearful nights and stressful, hard days—I have. But I’ve been clinging to my comfort. My desire to be in control. To know what’s next. To not risk too much because I know how deeply painful it is. I don’t like change. I don’t like challenges or hardships. I like to laugh and cuddle on the couch and wear my yoga pants. To rest easy.
But where in scripture did God say that’s what I’m called to? Where in scripture does God say that is the core to life? Nowhere. (Now, let me be honest. I’m on the couch in my yoga pants right now. I love to laugh and cuddle, and will still do that! But I’m realizing that I can’t find my peace there. I can’t find my rest & fulfillment there.)
I use to pray all the time for God to use me, however He wanted. I was surrendered. I was courageous. I so longed to be used by the Lord to do His kingdom work. And it was incredible. What opportunities! Spending summer days with little kids who don’t have good homes, camping throughout Europe to proclaim the gospel, adventuring on my own to college, teaching English to 4-5th graders in South Africa, studying abroad in Israel, discipling high schoolers in Maui, counseling kids here at school. And not just the big things, but the small, mundane things too—eating lunch with someone who doesn’t have a friend, writing notes of encouragement, coffee dates, yard work (ok, I didn’t do that much yard work…). God does amazing things when we’re surrendered. But somewhere along the way I stopped surrendering. It was painful. I went through dark valleys. It hurt. Stung. God led me through, made me more like Him, drew me into His loving embrace—it was beautiful in the pain. And yet, I stopped living courageously, and somewhere decided I was going to live comfortably because it was easier. Which is true. But who wants easier? When we know the God of the bible, our worlds drastically change. We can only live courageously for Him.
I didn’t realize any of this until this past week. Jeff had bought me this book last spring at Catalyst, and amidst all of the wedding planning this summer, I wasn’t able to read it until now. And boy, did it shake me. Convicted me. Encouraged me. Changed me. The premise: do we really trust God with anything? With anything? Do we trust Him? We weren’t called to live comfortable, safe lives, but rather, we were called to live every moment breathing out, “Lord, you are my Lord. Anything you ask I’ll do. Anything you want, take—it’s all Yours. Anything you want to do in and through me, please do! I trust you.” Wow. Even as I write that, I know deep down I’m scared. Anything? But how could I hold anything back? He created me, saved me, keeps me—He is God. I’m but his servant. And I desperately want to live for Him. Surrendered to the God who is almighty, all wise, all loving and good. My maker, sustainer, grace-giver, redeemer.
So I’m praying, asking, seeking- have my ears open—for whatever God wants to do. I want to be available, ready, open, free. Some of it may be painful, yes. Some of it will probably be uncomfortable- out of my comfort zone, awkward- okay. But it’ll be beautiful, glorious—it’ll knit me closer to His heart and will help this world to see more of Jesus. And that’s what I want. For people to see and know Jesus. To know how wide, how deep, how long is His love. How He is worthy of all praise and adoration—of our whole lives. He alone is God. There is no other.
I don’t know what my anything looks like yet. But I’m getting myself ready. And the beauty of it is that everyone’s “anything” is different. He will pair it with each of our gifting. Not to say it’ll be easy, but He’ll give us exactly what we need for every task He calls us to.
“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and grace” || 2 Peter 1:3